Tag: Childhood

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Epilogue

Epilogue The angel took the book from him, then went out the door and across the hall, where he knocked on the door. “He’s finished,” the angel said to someone in the room. “What, you’re leaving? I can just go?” asked Levi who was called Biff. The door across the hall opened, and there stood …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 32

Joseph rubbed the bridge of his nose as if fighting a headache. “He said he’d see what he could do.” We watched as the Roman soldiers took Joshua inside and the priests followed. The Pharisees, commoners in the eyes of the Romans, were left outside. A legionnaire almost caught Jakan’s face in the gate when …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 31

Tuesday We all slept that night in the upper room of Joseph’s house. In the morning Joshua went downstairs. He was gone for a bit, then came back up the stairs. “They won’t let me leave,” he said. “They?” “The apostles. My own apostles won’t let me leave.” He went back to the stairway. “You’re …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 30

Part VI Passion Nobody’s perfect…. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him. ANONYMOUS Sunday Joshua’s mother and his brother James found us outside of the Golden Gate of Jerusalem, where we were waiting for Bartholomew and John, who were looking for Nathaniel and Philip to return with James and Andrew, who were …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 29

Chapter 29 When it was all finished, Simon looked great, better than I’d ever seen him look. Joshua had not only raised him from the dead, but also healed his leprosy. Maggie and Martha were ecstatic. The new and improved Simon invited us back to his house to celebrate. Unfortunately, Abel and Crustus had witnessed …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 28

Chapter 28 Joshua’s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give. You should be nice to people, even creeps. And if …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 27

Chapter 27 The angel and I watched Star Wars for the second time on television last night, and I just had to ask. “You’ve been in God’s presence, right, Raziel?” “Of course.” “Do you think he sounds like James Earl Jones?” “Who’s that?” “Darth Vader.” Raziel listened for a moment while Darth Vader threatened someone. …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 26

Chapter 26 You can travel the whole world, but there are always new things to learn. For instance, on the way to Capernaum I learned that if you hang a drunk guy over a camel and slosh him around for about four hours, then pretty much all the poisons will come out one end of …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 25

Chapter 25 Philip, who was called the new guy, asked that we go to Cana by way of Bethany, as he had a friend there that he wanted to recruit to follow along with us. “I tried to get him to join with John the Baptist,” Philip said, “but he wouldn’t stand for the eating-locusts, …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 24

Chapter 24 I’ve finally finished reading these stories by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. These guys make the whole thing seem like an accident, like five thousand people just showed up on a hill one morning. If that was the case, getting them all there was the miracle, let alone feeding them. We busted our …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 23

Part V Lamb I am light, now I fly, now I see myself beneath myself, now a god dances through me. FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE Chapter 23 We rode Vana north toward the Silk Road, skirting the great Indian desert that had almost killed Alexander the Great’s forces as they returned to Persia after conquering half of …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 22

Chapter 22 Tamil, as it turned out, was not a small town in southern India, but the whole southern peninsula, an area about five times the size of Israel, so looking for Melchior was akin to walking into Jerusalem on any given day and saying, “Hey, I’m looking for a Jewish guy, anyone seen him?” …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 21

Chapter 21 “You make a very attractive woman,” Rumi said from the comfort of his pit. “Did I tell you that my wife has passed on to her next incarnation and that I am alone?” “Yeah, you mentioned that.” He seemed to have given up on us getting his daughter back. “What happened to the …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 20

Part IV Spirit He who sees in me all things, and all things in me, is never far from me, and I am never far from him. THE BHAGAVAD GITA Chapter 20 The road was just wide enough for the two of us to walk side by side. The grass on either side was as …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 19

Chapter 19 Another day spent wandering the city with the angel, another dream of the woman standing at the foot of my bed, and I awoke finally – after all these years – to understand what Joshua must have felt, at least at times, as the only one of his kind. I know he said …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 18

Chapter 18 I have been out among you, eating and talking and walking and walking and walking, for hours without having to turn because of a wall in my way. The angel woke me this morning with a new set of clothes, strange to the feel but familiar to the sight (from television). Jeans, sweatshirt, …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 17

Chapter 17 I’ve settled into some sort of droning routine here at the hotel, and in that way it reminds me of those times in China. My waking hours are filled with writing these pages, watching television, trying to irritate the angel, and sneaking off to the bathroom to read the Gospels. And I think …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 16

Chapter 16 We were twelve days into our journey, following Balthasar’s meticulously drawn map, when we came to the wall. “So,” I said, “what do you think of the wall?” “It’s great,” said Joshua. “It’s not that great,” I said. There was a long line waiting to get through the giant gate, where scores of …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 15

Chapter 15 Joshua and Balthasar rode into Kabul at a time of night when only cutthroats and whores were about (the whores offering the “cutthroat discount” after midnight to promote business). The old wizard had fallen asleep to the rhythm of his camel’s loping gait, an act that nearly baffled Joshua as much as the …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 14

Chapter 14 Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, Raziel has given up his hopes to be a professional wrestler and has resumed his ambition to be Spider-Man. He made the decision after I pointed out that in Genesis, Jacob wrestles an angel and wins. In short, a human defeated an angel. Raziel kept insisting that …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 13

Chapter 13 “I could kick that punk’s punk ass,” the angel said, jumping on the bed, shaking a fist at the television screen. “Raziel,” I said, “you are an angel of the Lord, he is a professional wrestler, I think it’s understood that you could kick his punk ass.” This has gone on for a …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 12

Chapter 12 Well, by pretending to have an overactive bladder, I’ve managed to sneak enough time in the bathroom to finish reading this Gospel of Matthew. I don’t know who the Matthew is that wrote this, but it certainly wasn’t our Matthew. While our Matthew was a whiz at numbers (as you might expect from …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 11

Chapter 11 Since my escape attempt, I can’t get the angel to leave the room at all. Not even for his beloved Soap Opera Digest. (And yes, when he left to obtain the first one, it would have been a good time to make my escape, but I wasn’t thinking that way then, so back …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 10

Chapter 10 The angel and I had been watching a movie about Moses. Raziel was angry because there were no angels in it. No one in the movie looked like any Egyptian I ever met. “Did Moses look like that?” I asked Raziel, who was worrying the crust off of a goat cheese pizza in …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 9

Part II Change Jesus was a good guy, he didn’t need this shit. JOHN PRINE Chapter 9 I should have had a plan before I tried to escape from the hotel room, I see that now. At the time, dashing out the door and into the arms of sweet freedom seemed like plan enough. I …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 8

Chapter 8 I’ve managed to sneak into the bathroom long enough to read a few chapters of this New Testament that they’ve added to the Bible. This Matthew fellow, who is obviously not the Matthew that we knew, seems to have left out quite a little bit. Like everything from the time Joshua was born …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 7

Chapter 7 And the angel said, “What prophet has this written? For in this book is foretold all the events which shall come to pass in the next week in the land of Days of Our Lives and All My Children.” And I said to the angel, “You fabulously feebleminded bundle of feathers, there’s no …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 6

Chapter 6 When we got back to Nazareth we expected to find Joshua’s mother hysterical with worry, but on the contrary, she had gathered Joshua’s brothers and sisters outside of their house, lined them up, and was washing their faces and hands as if preparing them for the Sabbath meal. “Joshua, help me get the …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 5

Chapter 5 Well, it worked, I finally got the angel to leave the room. It went like this: Raziel called down to the front desk and asked him to send Jesus up. A few minutes later our Latin pal stood at attention at the foot of the angel’s bed. Raziel said, “Tell him I need …

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Yet another reason that I loathe the heavenly scum with whom I share this room: today I found that I had offended our intrepid room service waiter, Jesus. How was I to know? When he brought our pizza for dinner, I gave him one of the American silver coins that we received from …