Types of Facebook Users

Wael Alhathal Dustin Hopkins English A100 13 December 2012 What type of Facebook-er are you? Living in the 21st century, Facebook has pretty much taking over our world. We have reached a point where we believe that if you do not have a Facebook, then you do not have a life. About hundreds of people join Facebook every day, making it one of the most visited websites in the world, with about 585 million active members. 585 million!

You might think that this is too much, but in fact, there are actually four main categories of Facebook users in the world—“annoying-Facebook-girl,” the “Simon-Cowell,” the “attention-seeking-whore,” and the “I’m-too-cool-for-Facebook. ” Each and every user in these categories specializes in a particular way of participating on Facebook: a way of updating their statuses, how they comment, how many pictures they upload every day, and how often they spend their time on Facebook. If you have an “annoying-Facebook-girl” on your friends list, deactivate your account right now!

The main feature of the “annoying-Facebook-girl,” other than being just plain obnoxious, is the gift to update her status every few hours with crap no one really cares about. Her name will blow up on your news feed in a matter of seconds. The most common words used in their statuses are “OMG! ” or “OH EM GEE! ” They tend to upload not just a single photo, but albums of crappy pictures in a day. A typical “annoying-facebook-girl” would upload an album with 200 or more pictures titled “Mcdonaldz wd my Bff’z<333” or “OMG!

PArtaAayYy. ” They are creatures with wild imaginations; they can turn an ordinary restroom into a photo-shoot studio; their relationship statuses are “married” or “engaged” to their best friends, and they all share a mutual obsession with Justin Bieber, Twilight, and the boys from One Direction. These creatures change their profile pictures almost every other day; their famous picture pose is the repulsive “Duck face”—they stick their lips out and take a picture next to a mirror, preferably the bathroom mirror.

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An “annoying-Facebook-girl’s” favorite quote is YOLO—You Only Live Once, which gives them an excuse to do irrational and foolish stuff thinking they won’t be judged. The second category of Facebook users are the “Simon-Cowell’s,” also known as the “Critics. ” They are the trolls of the Internet. The “Simon-Cowell’s” are harsh and judgmental criticizers; they always have something negative to say and can never shut the hell up. They claim that Facebook is an open society and that they need to express their opinion no matter what.

The “Simon-Cowell’s” are the “annoying-Facebook-girl’s” worst enemy. The “Simon-Cowell’s” tend to criticize the “annoying-Facebook-girl’s” status updates, photos, and lifestyle. The individuals in this category believe in freedom of speech more than anything else; their most famous comeback is “If you don’t like my opinion then just unfriend me”. You know that you have a “Simon-Cowell” on your friends list when he or she comments in the first few seconds after you update a status or upload a picture with a sarcastic comment or harsh statement.

Their main objective on Facebook is to demean people, humiliate them, and attack them. In reality, a “Simon-Cowell” is a coward behind a keyboard. His lifelessness contributes to his hatred towards people; they have no friends and most probably live in their parent’s basement. A “Simon-Cowell” is an insecure individual that feels good about him or herself when they criticize others—they have nothing positive to say. The best technique to avoid these trolls is to stop arguing with them and delete their cruel comments because they feed off the anger of others.

The third category, which is growing rapidly nowadays, is the “attention-seeking-whore. ” These are the people who would do anything to get attention. Most of them are sick of their actual lives; therefore, they join Facebook to gain fake popularity on the Internet and seek the attention that is not provided for them in reality, mainly because they are “fugly:” fucking ugly. The most common act of an “attention-seeking-whore” is uploading a picture of herself either showing parts of her boobs or posing for a booty-pop-picture—bending their knees and popping their butts next to a mirror.

Her main objective on Facebook is to gain as many likes and get as much positive feedback as possible; therefore, they caption their photos as “Like if you think I’m hot” or “comment if you wanna bang me”. An “attention-seeking-whore” would never post anything on people’s wall, or reply to anyone’s comments nor inboxes… playing hard to get that is. They spent most if their time on Facebook checking how many likes they got and reading the comments left by perverts, with a frown on their miserable-fake-multicolored faces. The last category is commonly known among guys, which is the “I’m-too-cool-for-Facebook. Nobody knows the reason why these people even have an account in the first place. In this category, the individuals tend to rarely update their statuses or post pictures; nevertheless, they spend a lot of time checking their Facebook’s newsfeed (secretly). They have all the gossip, they know what everyone is doing, but no one knows anything about them. They are like invisible ghosts spying on an active community. The most shared characteristic of the “I’m-too-cool-for-Facebook” is their profile pictures: a photo of a car, most probably the car of their dreams.

The most common status update for the “I’m-too-cool-for-Facebook” is “Facebook sucks! Am gonna deactivate soon lol;” or they sometimes act all hipster-ish, saying, “Facebook is too mainstream; I switched to Twitter or Instagram. ” But, in fact, their secret affection for Facebook far exceeds the amount of pictures “annoying-Facebook-girl” uploads in a day. As you can tell, 585 million is not that much when you classify them into smaller groups. So, what type of Facebook-er are you? Next time you are on Facebook (which is most likely everyday), try sitting down and identifying which category each of your friends fit in.

Even better, why not play a drinking game? You have to drink a shot of tequila every time an “Annoying-Facebook-girl” says “OMG! ” in her comments. If you are not in the drinking scene; you can get super stoned and start an in-depth comment war with a “Simon Cowell. ” If one day your horny and you see an “attention-seeking-whore” posting a picture, why not leave a nice comment about her boobies (You will get laid easily). Last but not least, comment on an “I’m-too-cool-for-Facebook’s” car-profile-picture, “Oh my gosh, is this your car? Or are you a transformer like in the movie? ” it really pisses them off. Have fun!

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